Well... What a strange time for us all. I have to say, I spent a long time thinking this wouldn’t happen. We won’t need to go into lockdown. Why would we? It’s not that I thought we were untouchable or anything like that. I know we aren’t. But surely it couldn’t happen. And yet, here I am on day 4 of lockdown and not being at work. I can only begin to imagine how hard it is for people that are not yet going through recovery. No access to gyms, food shops are very limited. It is causing me a large amount of anxiety as it is and I have been discharged for a good few months now. I have found with my free time I’m focussing a lot more on food - how can I get to the next meal without eating too much? How can I put off hunger? How am I going to be able to get my steps/activity in with only being allowed out once a day?
And a question that I had long thought wouldn’t be an issue... How will I cope not seeing anyone? Having spent a long time working to build my life back up again, I had finally got the stage where I had a good social life, one that revolved around what I wanted and not what someone else did. And how was I going to cope without this?
Well, firstly I tell myself that this is only temporary. It won’t be forever, however bad it feels right now. Also, it could be much, much worse. I could be in the ICU suffering from Coronavirus. I could be on a ventilator. I could be fighting for my life. I’m not. I’m lonely, and dare I say it, bored? I have access to the internet, I can still speak to my friends. Actually, I do have a fair amount to be grateful for. I’m not still stuck completely in the throws of anorexia. Yes, it’s still there. The thoughts haven’t completely gone. Yes, I’m struggling with not being able to be as active as I would normally like to be. But that is not the end of the world.
I’m not sure for whose benefit I am writing this... Mine or yours. But sometimes it takes a little pressure off your mind to write your feelings and thoughts down. Regardless of who actually/eventually sees them.